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| Time: | 6:32 pm. |
| Mood: |  cynical. | | Music: | I may hate myself in the morning. |
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Im tired of hearing the same story.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I'll never understand your concept of bringing other people down for your own satisfaction.
Your life isn't what you thought it would be.
I've fucked things up for you.
Im trying to do the right thing but everytime I get close it falls apart.
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| Time: | 1:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  hot. | | Music: | Toxic-Britney Spears. |
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(x)had people kiss your ass
()taken a pregnancy test
(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
() crashed a friend's car
() stolen a car
(x) been in love
(x)had sex
()had sex in a jacuzzi
()has sex on a kitchen table
()had sex in a park
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
() been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
()had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
() seen someone die
(x)had a crush on one of your friends
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
() met someone in person from the internet
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x)made out with a girl
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
() used a fake id
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
() been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) run a red light
(x) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident
() felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
() danced in the moonlight
(x)smoked crack
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
() questioned your heart
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) screamed penis in public
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) been a cheerleader
(x) talked on the phone for more then 6 hours
() didn't take a shower for a week
(x) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) played chicken
(x) been told your beautiful by a complete stranger
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) forgotten someones name?
(x) slept naked
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:11 pm. |
| Mood: |  bored. | | Music: | dance with the devil. |
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I once knew a nigga whose real name was William
his primary concern, was making a million
being the illest hustler, that the world ever seen
he used to f**k moviestars and sniff coke in his dreams
a corrupted young mind, at the age of thirteen
nigga never had a father and his mom was a feen
she put the pipe down, but forever yeah she was sober
her sons heart simultaneously grew colder
he started hanging out selling bags in the projects
checking the young chicks, looking for hit and run prospects
he was fascinated by material objects
but he understood money never bought respect
he build a reputation cuz he could hustle and steal
but got locked once it didn't hessitate to squeal
so criminals he chilled with didn't think he was real
you see me and niggaz like this have never been equal
I dont project my insurecurity's at other people
he feeded for props like addicts with pipes and needles
so he felt he had to proof to everyone he was evil
a fever minded young man with infinite potetial
the product of a ghetto ... capatalistic mental
coincidentally dropped out of school to sell weed
dancing with the devil, smoked until his eyes would bleed
but he was sick of selling trees and gave in to his greed
Everyone trying to be trife never face the consequences
you propably only did a month for minor offences
ask a nigga doing life if he had another chance
but then again there's always the wicked at new and advanced
dance forever with the devil on a code cell block
but thats what happens when you rape, murder and sell rock
devils used to be gods, angels that fell from the top
there's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot
So Billy started robbing niggaz, anything he could do
he'd get his respect back, in the eyes of his crew
starting fights over little shit, up on the block
stepped up to selling mothers and brothers the crack rock
working overtime for making money for the crack spot
hit the jackpot and wanted to move up to cocaine
for filling the scarface fantasy stuck in his brain
tired of the block niggaz treating him the same
he wanted to be major like the cut throats and the thugs
but when he tried to step to 'em, niggaz showed him no love
they told him any motherf**king coward can sell drugs
any bitch nigga with a gun, can bust slugs
any nigga with a red shirt can front like a blood
even Puffy smoked the motherf**ker up in a club
but only a real thug can stab someone till they die
standing in front of them, starring straight into their eyes
Billy realized that these men were well guarded
and they wanted to test him, before business started
suggested raping a bitch to proof he was cold hearted
so now he had a choice between going back to his life
or making money with made men, up in the cife
his dreams about cars and ice, made him agree
a hardcore nigga is all he ever wanted to be
and so he met them friday night at a quarter to three
They drove around the projects slow while it was raining
smoking blunts, drinking and joking for entertainment
untill they saw a woman on the street walking alone
three in the morning, coming back from work, on her way home
and so they quietly got out the car and followed her
walking through the projects, the darkness swallowed her
they wrapped her shirt around her head and knocked her onto the
floor
this is it kid now you got your chance to be raw
so Billy oaked her up and grapped the chick by the hair
and dragged her into a lobby that had nobody there
she struggled hard but they forced her to go up the stairs
they got to the roof and then held her down on the ground
screaming shut the f**k up and stop moving around
the shirt covered her face, but she screamed the clouts
so Billy stomped on the bitch, until he broken her jaw
the dirty bastards knew exactly what they were doing
they kicked her until they cracked her ribs and she stopped
moving
blood leaking through the corpse, she cried silently
and then they all proceeded to rape her violently
Billy was meant to go first, but he ????? turn
ripping her up, and choking her until her throat burned
a broken jaw mumbled for god but they weren't concerned
when they were done and she was lying bloody, broken and broos
one of them niggaz pulled out a brand new twenty-two
they told him that she was a witness of what she'd gone through
and if he killed her he was guaranteed a spot in the crew
he thought about it for a minute, she was practicly dead
and so he leaned over and put the gun right to her head
Right before he pulled the trigger, and ended her life
he thought about the cold pain with the platinum and ice
and he felt strong standing along with his new brothers
cocked the gat to her head, and pulled back the shirt cover
but what he saw made him start the cringine studder
cuz he was starring into the eyes of his own mother
she looked back at him and cried, cuz he had forsaken her
she cried more painfully, than when they were raping her
his whole world stopped, he couldn't even contiplate
his corruption had succesfully changed his fate
and he remembered how his mom used to come home late
working hard for nothing, cuz now what was he worth
he turned away from the woman that had once given him birth
and crying out to the sky cuz he was lonely and scared
but only the devil responded, cuz god wasn't there
and right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold
and so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul
they say death take you to a better place but I doubt it
after that they killed his mother, and never spoke about it
and listen cuz the story that I'm telling is true
cuz I was there with Billy Jacobs and I raped his mom to
and now the devil follows me everywhere that I go
infact I'm sure he's standing among one of you at my shows
and every street cypher listening to little thugs flowe
he could be standing right next to you, and you wouldn't know
the devil grows inside the hearts of the selvish and wicked
white, brown, yellow and black colored is not restricted
you have a self destructive destiny when your inflicted
and you'll be one of gods children and fell from the top
there's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot
so when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never
because the dance with the devil might last you forever
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Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  loved. | | Music: | lil scrappy-what it is hoe. |
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my birthdays coming up
heres your chance to make my day sluts
bitches love it when I call them sluts
buy me AIDS
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| Time: | 4:26 pm. |
| Mood: | sore. | | Music: | dance with the devil. |
|
[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I've smoked weed.
[x] I've smoked cigarettes.
[x] I've gotten high.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I lie to my parents regularly about where I am.
[x] I've failed 2 or more classes in one marking period.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I watch the news..
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I love Disney Movies..
[ ] I am a sucker for blonde hair/blue eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs. .
[x] I curse regularly.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation.
[x ] I bake well.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[x] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I sneak out of the house often.
[] I have a job.
[] I love Martha Stewart..
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I think Napoleon Dynamite is overrated.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[x] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
[x] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I win people over easily.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
I hardly ever eat fast food.
[x] I have many scars. .
[x] I've been out of this country
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I see a therapist.
[ ] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  cold. | | Music: | The Postal Service. |
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This place is a prison
and these people aren't your friends
Inhaling thrills through twenty dollar bills
and the tumblers are drained and then flooded
again and again.
There's guards at the onramps
Armed to the teeth
And you may case the grounds
from the cascades to Puget Sound
but you are not permitted to leave.
I know there's a big world out there
like the one that I saw on the screen
in my living room late last night
it was almost too bright to see.
and I know that it's not a party
if it happens every night
pretending there's glamour and candelabrum
when you're drinking by candelight.
And what does it take
to get a drink in this place?
what does it take?
how long must I wait?
(repeat)
how long must I wait?
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| Time: | 5:31 pm. |
| Mood: |  I feel so alone.... | | Music: | beatles-across the universe. |
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This mess is at a constant growth rate and it's eating into my heart. I am walking in a never ending circle, searching for something I'm not even completely sure of. The scariest part about this, is I know i don't HAVE to be here...And then my imagination starts to spin, and whirl up these psychotic ideas. Then my scars burn and i feel the pressure build and build and as it pounds against my rip cage, I scream with violent frustration, and give way to my cutting demands. The sound of my ripping skin, brings a distorted sense of relief as I let the dark, red liquid drip from my open wounds. Everyday I question my existence to this world, and if I were to diminish it, would it truely matter?? I can never be good enough. I can only be me, and ME is such a tragedy. Am I in the wrong and capable of swallowing all of this blame?? Am i just being gutsy when I look you in your pale face and whisper how i wish I wasn't hear anymore? You know how your lies run like nails down my throat and into my stomache. You just don't care. You fall, and rip me into a pit of darkness.. How else could you stand, without me underneath you? My tears are drying and my cuts are scabbing. Soon..I'll be fading too.
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| Time: | 5:33 pm. |
| Mood: |  high on fucking life... | | Music: | ASHLEE SIMPSON. |
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YOU MAKE ME WANNA LA LA
Was it really supposed to be fuck you instead of lala?
You make me wanna fuck you in the kitchen on the floor??
Haha hahahahaha god, Ashlee Simpson wants it.
Slut..
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Monday, February 28th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  geeky. | | Music: | no doubt-simple kind of life. |
|
So I'm reading this book now about a couple that run a freak show in a carnival. This couple has sex to purposely get pregnant and then consume a vast amount of cocaine as well as other drugs so that their children come out malformed to put in their freak show. Different.
"What greater gift could you offer your children than an inherent ability to earn a living just by being themselves?"
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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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Keep the noise low
She doesn't wanna blow it
Shaking head to toe while your left hand does the "show me around"
Quickens your heartbeat
It beats me straight into the ground
You don't recover from a night like this
A victim still lying in bed completely motionless
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper
"This is so messed up."
Upon arrival the guests had all stared
Dripping wet and clearly depressed
He'd headed straight for the stairs
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch
Unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships
(Up the stairs, the station where, the act becomes the art of growing up)
He keeps his hands low
He doesn't wanna blow it
He's wet from head to toe
and his eyes give her the up and the down
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up
but the body on the bed beckons forward and he starts growing up
The fever, the focus
the reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell
Die young and save yourself
The tickle, the taste of
it used to be the reason I breathe but now it's choking me up
Die young and save yourself
She hits the lights
This doesn't seem quite fair
Despite everything he learned from his friends
he doesn't feel so prepared
She's breathing quiet and smooth
he's gasping for air.
"This is the first and last time" he says
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his
He keeps his hands pinned down at his side
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels... like
He is the lamb, she is the slaughter
She's moving way to fast and all he wanted was to hold her
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect
He whispers that he loves her but shes probably only looking for...
(Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes, the art of growing up)
so much more than he could ever give
a life free of lies and meaningful relationships
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides
He waits for it to end and for the aching in his gut to subside
The fever, the focus
the reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell
Die young and save yourself
The tickle, the taste of
it used to be the reason I breathe but now it's choking me up
Die young and save yourself
Up the stairs
The station where
The act becomes
The art of growing up
The fever, the focus
the reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell
Die young and save yourself
The tickle, the taste of
it used to be the reason I breathe but now it's choking me up
DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF!
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Monday, February 14th, 2005
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[Height] 5'4
[Shoe size] 7 1/2
[Parents still together]nope
[Siblings]brother
[Pets]right now I'll I have is a dog and a cat. we gave our other pets away
Favorites...
[Color] Pink
[Number]dont have one
[Animal]monkey, dog
[Soda] Pepsi
Do you...
[Color your hair?]yeah
[Twirl your hair?]when my hair is curly I do
[Have tattoos?]
[Have Piercings?]Yeah
[Cheat on tests/homework?]yeah, who hasn't
[Drink?] Yeah, not as much as I used too. I'm kinda over the whole party thing.
[Like roller coasters] LOVE THEM!!!
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]yeah
[Want more piercings?]yup
[Like cleaning?]hell no..I'm so messy
[Write in cursive or print?] print
[Know how to drive?]yeah, I kinda suck though
[Own a cell phone?]used..to until I broke it
[Ever get off the damn computer?]haha yeah...I have a life
Have you ever...
[Been in a fist fight?] yeah
[Kicked someone in the nuts?]haha yeah, ex boyfriends
[Stolen anything?] Yeah
[Held a gun?]no
[Drank?]yeah
[Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name?]no
[Considered a life of crime?] Yea why not.
[Considered being a hooker?] ewww no..I have enough respect for myself
[Cried over a girl?] Yeah best friends forever, yeah right.
[Cried over a boy?]many times
[Lied to someone?] Yes.
[Been in love?]Yeah, or at least I thought I was
[Fallen for your best friend?]Yup..sucks
[Made out with JUST a friend?] Yeah
[Been rejected?]unfortunently..yes
[Been in lust?] Yeah
[Used someone?]kinda
[Been used?] Yes
[Been cheated on?]yeah.. paybacks a bitch..
[Experimented with lesbianism?]hahaha never....
Currents...
[Current clothing]pj's
[Current mood]bored
[Current taste]berry gatorade
[Current hair]in a pony tail
[Current thing I ought to be doing]homework
[Current cds in stereo]The Killers, Brand New, Usher
[Current job]dont have one
The last time...
[Last movie you saw]The Notebook<3
[Last thing you ate]chicken
[Last person you talked to on the phone]Alexa
Do you...
[Do drugs?] Not anymore
[Have a dream that keeps coming back?] No
[Play an instrument?]piano
[Believe there is life on other planets?] sure why not
[Remember your first love?] Yes
[Still love him/her?] As a friend.
[Read the newspaper?] No
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] Yes
[Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?] sure
[Do well in school?]yeah, now that I go to freakin home school[Go to or plan to go to college] Yeah
[Wear hats?]not really, I think I look retarded in them
[Hate yourself?] Sometimes
[Have an obsession?] Yes, shopping
[Collect anything?]yeah, fairy stufg
[Have a best friend?] Yes
[Like your handwriting?]no..its sloppy. half the time I cat even read
[Care about looks?]Yeah, but latley not so much.
Love life...
[First crush] in kindergarden..
[Do you believe in love at first sight?]nah
[Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing? ] strip poker!
[Are you a tease?]sometimes..
[Shy to make the first move?]Not really
Are you a...
[Wuss] No
[Druggy] not anymore biyatches
[Daydreamer] Yes
[Freak] in the bed. haha.
[Dork] Yea
[Bitch/Asshole] Sometimes.
[Brat]yeah
[Sarcastic] Yes
[Angel] No not really
[Devil] Sometimes
[Shy] sometimes..when I first meet someone
[Talkative] haha yeah..I never shut the hell up
[Flirty]Very
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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:24 pm. |
| Mood: | crushed. | | Music: | Waiting For Autumn-Memories Of You. |
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I needed you last night. I needed you to hold my hand and wipe my tears, even though you wipeing my tears makes me cry even harder. There were so many times last night when I was tempeted to lean over and kiss you, but I stopped myself cause I realized this is reality. Me crying and you holding my hand and wiping my tears is reality.Of course your so much stronger than me, you always have been. And we could never go back for 2 reasons. Why does it have to be this way. Why cant you just pretend.why cant we go back. really.. Why? I can see you and this girl laughing, laughing the way we used to laugh. and I can see you and this girl having sex. and I can see you and this girl cuddling. and I can see you guys watching movies, eating, holding hands and I just feel sorry for myself, sorry that I ever let you get to me. I dont know where I stand in your eyes. Just brittany, just a friend....Maybe just an ex girlfriend. Either way im just there, and not with you.
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Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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Sunday, February 6th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:42 pm. |
| Mood: |  thoughtful. | | Music: | The Killers-On Top. |
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Its funny how our perspective on one another can change in a heartbeart.
and you didnt do a damn thing to make it that way.
I grew out of you
and everything we went through feels like doesnt mean anything.
Maybe this is why its hard to talk.
Im sorry if this hurts you. Its not meant to hurt you....but it might.
I hope your doing well.
This isnt how I want to see you.
fuck it....
Its hard to even see myself.
Who am I to judge.
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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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| Time: | 4:36 pm. |
| Mood: |  refreshed. | | Music: | emery-as your voice fades. |
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Today I got in a huge fight with my mom..and she socked me in the mouth. I have the huggest fat lip now. I look like a fucking retarded. Anyways..after that I put some ice on my lip and tried to go to sleep..but I kept drooling on myself(gross I know). I was gonna stay home today and mop around, but instead I went to yoga with Alexa. Which made me feel a little bit better and helped me clear my mind.
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Monday, January 31st, 2005
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There is so much rage and so much hurt and frustration running through me that it feels like it's pushing at my skin and creating bruises throughout my entire body. I don't know how to be ok anymore. It feels like everything is blurring into a long piece of bad days. Then when i stop and critically think about it....it hasn't just been a few bad days. It hasn't just been a few bad months. It's been more than even a few bad years.....And I can recall fighting and fighting to be normal and to find some kind of serene, hidden happiness...and it never comes. Everything was only temporary. And in time, it too also faded and dissapeared. I am blinded by a cloud of angry,hopeless thoughts. They never leave me. They haunt me at every free chance, at almost every breathing second. When did I allow myself to progress from hating just myself...but to hating everyone else too?? I've been drowning in the thought of cutting again. It seemed like such a simple, sincere way of getting all of this out of me...and i fight the urge to just DO IT everyday, through every tear, through every scream.
Something is not right.
And I don't know how to fix it...
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Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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A dear friends anxiety
that does not seem to fade
You can't take away the pain
even if you take away the blade
scratches on her body
helps to write the truth
No better way to word it
but to etch away her youth
She has no where to run
has everything to hide
But she cannot hold it in
No security inside
She looks for someone to trust
And finds a bunch of lies
The "its okays" and "better days"
Only brings her despise
The jagged edge becomes her life
even as it takes more away
The toilet becomes the night
that flushes out her day
WIll she find her happiness
or will she admit defeat?
As she denies her weaknesses
Is she building strength?
her body's tense and scared to fight
so it purges until she looks just right
carves herself like it's halloween
But because of the mask, she remains unseen
The pills are only temporary
They do nothing but make you weary
Still no one notices, no one sees
The rose that wilts before their eyes
And through all your prods and pleas
Not one person hears her cries
A friend she was to me
A friend she will remain
But why doesn't she see
The beauty she contains
The person who called me love
When hate took my name
The only one who knew my faults
But didn't point the blame
The school hall walkers that we were
The inside talkers to find a cure
To end the madness that refers
To all the pain that we endure
Her throat is sore
Flesh is tore
taken on more
than she bargained for
And what is supposed to come of this
If she leaves, will she be missed?
Or is their ignorance
their source of bliss?
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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
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| Time: | 3:44 pm. |
| Mood: | fuck boys. | | Music: | Usher-Let It Burn. |
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I've mixed you into everything I hate. I ripped you into tiny pieces I know you'll never be able to recover. I sewed your mouth shut and remove the dagger from my heart and stuck it back into your open chest. I shut you out and closed you off. Locked you back inside your coffin to be buried alive. I cut you up with my razor sharp words and broke you over and over again. I screamed until your ears rang deaf and laughed at your every failure and fault. It's YOUR turn to fall and stay down. Incapable of standing, you will continue your life on the frozen ground of regret. I left you choking on every word you screamed at me and watched the anger burn and scar into your skin. I've always kept you writhing inside these lost memories. Unable to be changed or altered. My tears leaked out every ounce of ache that I believed to be permantly embedded into my body. And as I turn away I whisper my thanks, for only you could have made me a fighter.
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Monday, January 17th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  feed me!!!. | | Music: | the doors-people are strange!. |
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they say people arent made for loving
so when the hell did you get so good?
so whos down for some camping?
pissing on trees & star wars tents
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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:17 pm. |
| Mood: | bitchy. | | Music: | Taking Back Sunday-New American Classic. |
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You've got to get better it's all in your head
We could live through these letters or forget it all together
See the months they don't matter it's the days I can't take
When the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away
Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
We tried to avoid it but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing about
When all that you need is just a reaction
It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore
When chasing our dreams is just a distraction
I want to remember when I know that I can't go back
Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
We tried to avoid it but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing about
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing about.
Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
We tried to avoid it but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing about.
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pixie_cutter's journal
lethargic.
tired.
weird.